Let’s Talk About Leading with Chronic Pain: The Real Fears Women Aren’t Sharing
Over the past 15 years, since my own diagnosis of chronic pain, I’ve met hundreds of women leaders who’ve quietly confided in me about their struggles with pain. Often, this comes after I’ve shared my own journey. What strikes me every time is the common thread running through these conversations. We’re talking about smart, talented, skilled women—successful and accomplished—plagued by fear. Fear of failure. Fear of burnout. Fear of letting others down. And I’ve heard it in their words:
“They think I’m being dramatic.”
“Everyone says, ‘but you don’t look sick’… and that just tells me they don’t believe my pain is even real.”
“I’m afraid they’ll give the promotion to *Chad*… I did the work! I put in the time and lost the sleep! But I’m ‘weak’ and ‘inconsistent’ because of this pain disease.”
“I’m stingy with my personal time off… I don’t feel comfortable using it for me. I guess I still feel like I’m proving myself.”
“I’m not talking about my pain. I don’t want to give them any ammo. I’ve got a uterus disorder… Like I need to remind them I’m a woman.”
These words cut deep. You can’t help but feel that gut-punch moment—have we really come that far since those old “You’ve come a long way, baby” ads?
These stories aren’t just one-offs. The subtleties in how women leaders frame their fears and concerns while leading with chronic pain remind me that we’ve still got work to do. Here are the top 10 relentless fears I’ve encountered from women across industries, levels, and generations:
Failing in leadership roles
Being seen as incompetent or weak because of pain
Not being able to meet obligations and having to compromise life or work
Letting others down by not meeting expectations
Making wrong or incomplete decisions—or being unable to decide at all
Being overlooked for promotions or key projects
Losing their job or facing demotion
Burning out
Struggling to perform due to pain or experiencing embarrassing situations at work
Increasing social isolation because of chronic pain
3 Actions You Can Start Today to Overcome These Fears
So, where do you begin if you’re navigating these fears while leading with chronic pain? Here are three steps that can help you flip the script:
1. Identify the Root of Your Fear
Fear often starts in our mindset, shaping how we see challenges and potential outcomes. Recognizing that fear is usually a mental construct allows us to shift our focus toward strengths, possibilities, and resilience. Fear is real, but not all fear is founded. When we reframe fear-inducing situations as opportunities for growth, we empower ourselves to face them with confidence. For example, if your company just had a 20% reduction in workforce, a fear of job loss might be reasonable. But if you just got a raise and a glowing performance review, your fear might be more about mindset than reality.
2. Recognize Your Organizational Culture
Understanding your organization’s culture is crucial. Every company has its own subtext—the unwritten rules that dictate how things really get done. Pay attention to what’s said—and more importantly, what’s not said—when people call off work. Maybe you hear things like, “Sure, you can take time off, but we need people who go the extra mile.” That’s the kind of subtext that reveals how your company truly values (or doesn’t value) work-life balance, health, and support for women leading beyond pain. By picking up on these cues, you can better navigate your organization and see if its values align with what you need.
3. Leverage Perception Management
Perception management is a powerful tool for women leaders, especially those navigating chronic pain. It’s about strategically shaping how others see your strengths and contributions. When you control the narrative, you challenge stereotypes and biases. This approach not only builds your professional image but also fosters a more inclusive environment for others like you. Being proactive in managing how you’re perceived allows you to position yourself as a resilient leader, capable and worthy of recognition.
Closing Thoughts: Reclaim Your Narrative
Navigating leadership while dealing with chronic pain is no small feat. But by focusing on these strategies—identifying the roots of your fear, recognizing your organization’s culture, and actively managing perceptions—you can not only thrive but also redefine what it means to be a strong, effective leader. The key is to lead on your own terms, with confidence, resilience, and an unwavering belief in your worth.